N is for Nearly…
I’ve been struggling over something with the letter N.
Sure I could write about New York, but what could I say that hasn’t been said? Millions of times.
Then I went through my itunes artists lists: Natalie Bassingthwaite, Natalie Imbruglia, New Order, Nouvelle Vague, Nirvana, No Doubt, Norah Jones, Nelly Furtado….nope, no favourites there.
Then I went to my bookshelves…nothing there either that jumped out and grabbed me.
Just over halfway through my alphabet and I’ve hit a snag.
So close to finishing…
Then it hit me. I was nearly there…and nearly there, in many ways, defines my life.
I do almost and nearly there really well. I’ve written about it before. I start strong, and then, with the finishing line in sight, I falter. Just. Like. That. Or I change course, or I make some excuse. Whatever. I don’t quite get there. And yes, I know enough about myself that tied up in it all are fears- not so much of failure, but of what comes after you finish. What happens after the success? What if it isn’t as I imagined it? What if I get there and don’t feel anything? What if there is no happily ever after? What if there is just nothing?
Take 2013 for instance. And yes, I know I’ve done the whole closing ceremony thing and left in in yesterday, but it illustrates my point.
- My book got this close to being picked up. Twice. It was almost there. I’m re-writing yet again…it’s nearly done.
- I was this close to getting my tummy problems sorted out with my anti-candida diet, and this close to fitting into jeans that were a size smaller than the ones that I previously could only nearly get the zip done up on. Now I’m this close to causing damage to my internal organs if I try and do up the zip on my fat jeans.
- I’m still nearly finished my astro book.
- I nearly finished the C25K program before bailing out at week 6, pleading multiple injuries. Instead of getting to 5kms without stopping, I got to 4.1…with difficulty.
- The number of times that I had rejections to travel pitches with “great idea, but we’re running something similar in x months,” tells me that the idea was fine and I nearly had my timing right…and am almost there.
- I nearly finished painting all the cornices- there’s just our room and the lounge room to go. It’s all about moving furniture and taking down curtains and blinds, you see.
Just last week, I nearly had the almost perfect training preparation for my upcoming Routeburn Track…before I tore my calf muscle. Now I’m on a race against time to heal it before I go to New Zealand in four weeks time.
As I said…nearly there, almost there, this close…
The thing is, I know (logically) that nothing will be as it is in my fantasies- that’s why they’re called fantasies. I get that. I know (logically) that what’s on the other side of finishing, is real life. I even know (logically) that there’ll always be another dream or challenge I can set myself.
I just have to get there.
I’m not writing this for any sort of reassurance- or whatever. It’s just that I’ve decided that 2014 will be the year that I don’t nearly finish or get there or whatever, but the year that I do. That’s all.
Speaking of which, I’m back to the re-write…I think I’ve nearly found the bit in the middle that needs work.