So it’s Monday, and Monday means linking up in the confessional booth with My Home Truths.
Todays confessional topic is awesomeness, or specifically why I am awesome.
To be honest, today I’m not feeling particularly awesome.
It could be that the Moon is in Virgo, and for those few days each month I’m reminded of the yawning gap between what I want to be doing and what my achievements to date are. For those few days each month, I don’t look at myself with realism, but rather how far from being perfect that I am.
And before you all jump up and down and say things like “surely not,” or “you’ve done some incredible stuff,” or “it’ll happen soon,” or “you’re a fantastic writer Jo, I believe in you,” let me just say this- thankyou, but the feeling will pass.
Having said that, I struggle with confidence, but most of the time I’m able to fake the opposite. It’s why part of me still doesn’t think I’m “good enough” until somebody proves it to me by paying me for my work.
In the corporate world, that was proven on the 15th day of each month when my account magically filled with money, and on the annual tick sheet that passed for a performance appraisal.
As a self-employed writer, I have to make my own outcomes. As a self-employed writer, the validation has to come from within me. The only person who’s going to say “nice job” is me.
After a year, for most of the time, I’m ok with this. But for a couple of periods of a few days each month, I struggle with the whole awesomeness thing. Rather than look at how far I’ve come, and how fantastic everything is, and how much happier I am, I look at how far there is to go and how depleted the bank account is.
I focus on the empty- especially if a rejection or a “no thanks” comes during one of these days.
Most of the time I’m confident that I can make a living from my pen, well, virtually speaking, but during these few days each month (now and when the Moon is in Capricorn- it’s an astro thing, so don’t ask…) I ponder whether instead of doing what I want, I should do what I’m good at in the corporate world.
For these few days I give myself the parent talk- you know, “it’s about time that you grew up and realised that you’re living a fantasy,” or “grow up and recognise that you’re never going to make a living out of it,” or “grow up and learn to like the things that you’re good at.” In my head the “talk” always involves some sort of “grow up” comment.
The thing is, I was and am a shit hot change manager- and most of the time, I enjoyed that work…I just struggled with the concept of believing in why I was doing it. That’s the real reason I rebel against the idea of going back to a corporate role- that, and the two words I just used: “going back.”
The other thing is, is two days I’ll be back to normal and loving my writing again, and full of hope and awesomeness.
In two days rather than seeing the glass as half full or half empty I’ll be seeing it as having room for more wine. But today, I’m not really feeling very awesome…
I’d love to know, what makes you awesome? Do you struggle with it a lot, or a little?