I must confess… awesomeness- I’m struggling….

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So it’s Monday, and Monday means linking up in the confessional booth with My Home Truths.

Todays confessional topic is awesomeness, or specifically why I am awesome.

To be honest, today I’m not feeling particularly awesome.

It could be that the Moon is in Virgo, and for those few days each month I’m reminded of the yawning gap between what I want to be doing and what my achievements to date are.  For those few days each month, I don’t look at myself with realism, but rather how far from being perfect that I am.

And before you all jump up and down and say things like “surely not,” or “you’ve done some incredible stuff,” or “it’ll happen soon,” or “you’re a fantastic writer Jo, I believe in you,” let me just say this- thankyou, but the feeling will pass.

Having said that, I struggle with confidence, but most of the time I’m able to fake the opposite. It’s why part of me still doesn’t think I’m “good enough” until somebody proves it to me by paying me for my work.

In the corporate world, that was proven on the 15th day of each month when my account magically filled with money, and on the annual tick sheet that passed for a performance appraisal.

As a self-employed writer, I have to make my own outcomes. As a self-employed writer, the validation has to come from within me. The only person who’s going to say “nice job” is me.

After a year, for most of the time, I’m ok with this. But for a couple of periods of a few days each month, I struggle with the whole awesomeness thing. Rather than look at how far I’ve come, and how fantastic everything is, and how much happier I am, I look at how far there is to go and how depleted the bank account is.

I focus on the empty- especially if a rejection or a “no thanks” comes during one of these days.

Most of the time I’m confident that I can make a living from my pen, well, virtually speaking, but during these few days each month (now and when the Moon is in Capricorn- it’s an astro thing, so don’t ask…) I ponder whether instead of doing what I want, I should do what I’m good at in the corporate world.

For these few days I give myself the parent talk- you know, “it’s about time that you grew up and realised that you’re living a fantasy,” or “grow up and recognise that you’re never going to make a living out of it,” or “grow up and learn to like the things that you’re good at.” In my head the “talk” always involves some sort of “grow up” comment.

The thing is, I was and am a shit hot change manager- and most of the time, I enjoyed that work…I just struggled with the concept of believing in why I was doing it. That’s the real reason I rebel against the idea of going back to a corporate role- that, and the two words I just used: “going back.”

The other thing is, is two days I’ll be back to normal and loving my writing again, and full of hope and awesomeness.

In two days rather than seeing the glass as half full or half empty I’ll be seeing it as having room for more wine. But today, I’m not really feeling very awesome…

I’d love to know, what makes you awesome? Do you struggle with it a lot, or a little?

Comments

17 comments on “I must confess… awesomeness- I’m struggling….”
  1. Debbish says:

    I get this. Obviously I’m nowhere near you are in your writing journey but to a lesser extent can relate to the need for validation.

    I even suffered it at work. It was rare that stuff I’d written got changed significantly or project plans criticised etc, but I often didn’t feel I’d done a good job unless someone said something. Most of the time (over my working career I just plodded away, doing what I do). There wasn’t a lot of negative feedback but what I focused on was the lack of positive feedback.

    I have no answers (of course) but like that you know it will get better. I understand that feeling as well. But… strongly believe you’re (we’re) allowed to wallow for a while. We need to do that so we can feel better again!

    1. jo says:

      I completely agree. Yet in some ways at work, no feedback to a document or a plan meant that you got it right, but I still never believed it unless I was told. My old boss (who is also one of my best mates) always told me I was emotionally high maintenance. Whatever. And yes, we are allowed to wallow…occasionally…

  2. Ness says:

    I think having a go at being a paid writer really IS totally awesome! I definitely struggle with thinking I’m awesome too, but I’m trying to look at it differently.

    1. jo says:

      Thanks Ness…& thanks for dropping by!

  3. redlandcitygirl says:

    Oh I so identify with your feelings here – I also work from home – some days I’m powering along and love having my own business – other days I wonder what the heck I am doing?! But as you say when a client pays me that is always a great validation!!!!

  4. mummymanifestodotcom says:

    Glad you are pursuing your dream regardless of the negative aspects. The courage to do that is so huge. (and awesome).

    1. jo says:

      Thanks 🙂

  5. Hope those awesome days come along again very soon Jo! This is a hard one for a lot of people but I’m so pleased you were able to find some awesome. Being a paid writer is starting to become a bigger dream of mine – I would so love to be able to walk out of my workplace one day and not look back! Good on you for making that a reality for you – and thanks so much again for linking up!

  6. I write and get paid but it’s not fiction, it’s newspaper articles/features/press releases/speeches etc. I don’t think I have it in me to be a fiction writer, but from the sound of your resilience and determination, and heart, it sounds like you will. I know it’s a cliche but slow and steady wins the race Jo – Emily!

  7. I know exactly what you mean here. Most of the time I feel beyond awesome, just every now and then not so much. I hadn’t thought of blaming it on the moon but as soon as I read this it all made sense. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses, go you at living the dream as well btw, even if the pay is not always crash hot

  8. Tegan says:

    The best thing about this whole post was the line about knowing that it will pass. I think sometimes that can do so much more than anything else. Sometimes we just have to let everything pass us and let it be, realise our thoughts for nothing more than they are..thoughts.

    1. jo says:

      Thanks Tegan. Sometimes it helps to track this stuff- perspective is a truly wonderful thing.

    2. jo says:

      Thanks Tegan…x

  9. Mystery Case says:

    Everybody needs some down time, I’m feeling a lot like that myself this week and honestly really struggled with the awesome theme. I think your perspective and idea of tracking this ‘stuff’ is fantastic and something I should take on board myself and then perhaps, I just block those few days out as my try something different days.

    Have an awesome rest of the week and very much looking forward to linking up again next week.

    1. jo says:

      thanks- & you too…

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