I’m a control freak.
I have issues with commitment and difficulties with trust.
Anyone who knows just how much of a Pisces I am will be surprised by this confession.
Which segues me neatly into this weeks I Must Confess topic– irrational fears and phobias. The kind of things that scare me shitless.
Losing control scares me. I have no rational reason for this. None at all.
It’s the main reason that I stop this side of messiness when I have a big night out. It’s also the reason I refused pain treatment when I had my daughter- a couple of puffs on that gas thing spaced me out and the idea of someone prodding around my backbone with a needle petrified me.
When I was about 11 I had a minor operation. The mask they put over my face to knock me out terrified me. I’m talking sheer terror. I remember fighting the blackness as it clawed at me.
It’s one of the few things I have nightmares about.
Another is high bridges. Or roads that do a raised loop the loop.
The one that’s always in my nightmare is the Gateway Bridge out of Brisbane. I literally freeze up when we cross it. I’m not sure that I could drive it- I’ve done it too many times in my dreams.
In my dreams I can’t see the lanes or over the steering wheel. I can’t see the top and I can’t see the other side. I have to trust that the car will grip the road and push to get to the top and, as I said, I don’t do trust well.
The bridge over Mooney Mooney on the F3 is the same, but for a different reason. On this one I feel, on the approach, as if the car is running away from me, as if I have no control over it.
Neither of these fears is about heights. Weirdly, I have no issues with rollercoasters and the sort of ride that send you on an adrenaline spin. Nope, this is purely and simply a control and trust thing.
It’s like tunnels. I’m ok in the Lane Cove Tunnel- there’s a narrow shoulder between the lane and the wall. The M5 and Cross City have me tensing over the steering wheel like one of those drivers that you shake your head over. It feels like it’s closing in on me- like that mask so many years ago.
As for going underground or into a confined space? Nope, I start sweating at the thought of it.
The other thing that brings me out in a sweat is the thought of committing myself. Sometimes it feels like I’ve trapped myself into something that I can’t get out of- which I guess is the whole point of commitment. Again, there’s no reason for this fear, it just is.
And anyways, as I said at the start, that’s what irrational fears are- irrational.
So, what are your fears? Phobias? Are they irrational, or are there very valid reasons?