On the Astro blog I’ve been writing a bit about magic. How it happens, how it can’t be explained, how it loses its amazement value once you start looking for answers and explanations.
Things from a distance are a bit like that- a rainbow, a sunset, a concept. Close-up you see detail, colour and texture, but you also see imperfections that aren’t visible from a distance. Close up you also lose perspective.
When I first started on this gig as a writer, I was enthusiastic, I had ideas, I had vision, I had a (mostly) completed chick lit book, a (partly completed) Astro book and ideas for at least another 3. Editors would love my article ideas, the words would flow and publishers would be beating a path to my door.
I could see my future clearly. It was a future that didn’t include bell curves, corporate politics and all the other things I had railed about for the previous 24 years.
I’m not great with reality. The astrologer in me says that’s because I’m extremely Piscean. But at no point did I stop to think that any of what I knew could happen (rejection, despair, writers block, rejection, no response, rejection, black holes) would happen.
After 24 years in corporate employ, with firm service level agreements, job descriptions, objectives, defined outcomes and regular salaries, I am finding the lack of structure and routine quite debilitating. I am struggling against the isolation and putting on weight as a result of procrastineating. Yes, that is a word.
After 24 years of feeling trapped by the corporate machine, I am feeling equally as trapped in this world. So much so, that I have had more than a few moments over the last few weeks where the security blanket provided by regular work has seemed very tempting.
Yet, it still means too much for me to give up on. As soon as I grasp that blankie, even a corner of that blankie, I have an excuse not to stay on the path of the dream I have had since I was a teenager. As soon as the hunger is assuaged, even a little, I am scared that I will lose my way.
So, what to do? Step back a little, until I can see the whole picture again. What else? Establish the same protocols that I had in the office. Find my own version of outcomes and routines. Would I normally spend a week watching The Good Wife (seasons 1-3) or snacking or Facebooking if I were in an office? Absolutely no. Would I be dealing with isolation all day every day if I were in an office? Absolutely no.
The answer is not a regular job- part time or otherwise. The answer is something else entirely. And I don’t yet know what that looks like, but I had to step up close to examine the detail in order to regain the perspective of distance. This isn’t easy, but it’s what I want. A lot.
The close up in this piece is a painting my daughter did a few years ago…